RANSVESTIA

opportunity to wear them at will.

It was when I reached this point that I commenced a period of serious introspection in order to try to understand what was taking place within

me.

For the first time in my life, I was able to approach transvestism with a free and uncluttered mind, for now there was no listening for approach- ing footsteps, no fear of surprise discovery. Also, because of the deter- mination to understand myself, the guilt that plagued me for years was set aside. There were no obstuctions to my view.

The first important realization that came to me was that the desire to dress had been with me almost as long as I could remember. Fantasies came back from my earliest years-I was a young maiden with long blonde hair who was adrift in a boat on a serene lake as a soft warm breeze rustled my silk skirts. At the time, I could not have been more than four or five years old. That daydream had not been in my mind for almost twenty years, yet now it came back with startling clarity. What could

it mean?

With that recollection, I saw that dressing was not the evil sexual outlet that I was later led to believe it was. How could it be when my first dreams of transvestism came to me before I was aware of sex? Slowly, three distinct phases in my life of cross-dressing came into focus with sharp dividing lines separating them into Pre-Sexual, Sexual and Post- Sexual cycles. But, it had not been possible for me to comprehend these divisions until I was able to step into the last area of understanding during my summer-long adventure in marathon dressing. Now, everything took on a new meaning!

This comprehension marked a turning point for me in that I was able, at last, to see the phenomenon that was such a strong part of me as more than a “dirty habit” or a bizarre "sin" for which I would surely be punish- ed. It was one of the driving forces of my life. As such, it deserved serious consideration.

Today, I am still puzzling my way through the myriad details of why one has such an intense drive to adopt the clothes and mannerisms of the opposite sex. Much new information and encouragement has come to me through work with brilliant and understanding psychiatrists. It has been a long and expanding journey from the terrible loneliness and fear